Thursday, June 21, 2007 you want to come have a drink with me?

I have been sitting here for the last hour trying to figure out why I have been crying. Is it A.) The fact some guy here in town for a convention sent me a blind tell on Yahoo IM asking me out on a date after about 30 second talking to me, that he wanted to meet me at the Coyote Ugly bar at New York New York for what I assume was some drinking and free sex on his night away from what ever boring town and clueless wife he left back in another state. B.) The fact that he is the only man to ask me out in the three years since I left my ex (trust me the reasons would take a PHD dissertation to explain his loony ass). C.) That no guy has even looked at me in three years. D.) That I’m so freaking lonely that I actually thought for a second about answering “yes” and spending time with some man who really didn’t like me or know me, even though I would have said “hell no” if asked to go back to his hotel room.

My friends who read this will understand what a horrible mess my life has been for the past six years, and what my soon to be ex husband did to me. To be honest I have never told anyone all of what he did to me and never will because talking about it would mean I would have to think about it and I don’t want to relive those moments ever again for as long as I live. Despite all the crap he did and for all my joking at men bashing I can’t bring myself to really hate men. Trust me my ex really tried hard to do it but, NO, I really don't. Sure there have been times in the recent past that all I felt was pure disgust at being near a man, but that has not happened, thankfully, in a really long time. I know that not all men are like my ex, just seems like it. I do know there are funny and nice guys out there, I just don’t seem to live by them =(.

This past hour as my eyes got all red and puffy I kept thinking about this elderly man who came through my line at the bookstore one day. I was ringing up his books and noticed he had on one of those WWII hats that a lot of old Vets wear from the groups they belong to that help them stay in touch with old war friends. We got to talking about it when he said, “Oh I met my beautiful wife in the War, she was a nurse you see and I had been wounded. I was at the hospital and she walked up to my bed, she was and still is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life.” At this point his wife came walking up, both were pushing 80 years old or more, and he goes on saying as he picked up his wife’s hand and kissed it, “I fell madly in love with her the second I saw her, never have ever looked at another woman again, I was only 19 or so at the time and we were married only a few weeks later, and this is her,” he kissed her hand again, “my lovely bride.” The way he touched her hand, the way he looked at her and spoke to her, you could tell he was not lying, he loved her with his whole heart, loved her this way for the past 50+ years. I was blown away that he would talk like this about her to a perfect stranger, that he would tell the world how much he loved her, that he would treat her with such obvious respect, kindness and love. When he left I told my manger I needed a bathroom break and went in the bathroom stall and cried a few minutes, don't think I have to tell you why.

I know how Cinderella lame it sounds but just don’t know why I can’t have that. Don’t understand why a nice guy can’t even tell I’m even breathing. Why am I a jerk magnet when and if a guy even looks at me or then thinks it’s ok to treat me like a whore because so many other women don’t have any self pride that they will sleep with any guy who buys them a drink and paid attention to them? My ex used to call me frigid all the time because I would not act like some stupid nympho bimbo from the T.V. show, “The Girls Next Door.” He never once understood that the only thing a woman really wants is to be respected. Because that is the true definition of love. Love = only three things: Respect, Trust and Empathy. If you don't have all three then what do you have...nothing. All love is based in these three things, from your friendships, your family or the only other person in your life you want to have corn flakes and leftovers with for the rest of your life.

I want so badly to leave this place, despite having a lot of really good friends, I want to go someplace where women are not treated like pieces of meat! Everywhere you go in this damn town women’s asses are hanging off billboards, on the backs of taxi cabs, the strip is littered with ad’s for hookers and the telephone book has like a three inch section for “escorts” which is a PC word for whore. The whole town motto is "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." You know I like sex just as much as everyone else in the world but that guy on IM made me feel so worthless and dirty. I know people can't make you feel anything, either you let them get to you and let them make you feel like that or you don't, but...I'm so tired of empty men.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Sex, Sex, Sex...

Now that I have your complete attention it was mentioned last night at my weekly crochet meeting of the Las Vegas Hookers (yes... it's a double entendre) that when ever you get a group of women together the conversation turns to sex, sex, sex. Not that I don't mind the subject matter I just find it funny that most men think women don't think about sex, sex, sex or don't think about it often. If your a guy who thinks this...get a clue Nancy Drew! If only they could hear the conversations we have about them when they are not I have noticed over the past half year of my membership to the weekly stitch and bitch that the #1 subject matter aside from fiber (that's yarn talk to those of you who don't knit or crochet, and not what you need to keep in your diet to be regular) is men, sex, men bashing, sex and discussions about female issues which winds it's way back to sex and men. Apparently women hide their obsession with sex better than men (we just obviously keep you in the dark, as it should be to keep you guessing). We don't drool all over ourselves when we see a hot guy walk by, well that is if we are with a guy we like, we obviously can hide our sexual arousal better in public and we don't have to go to strip clubs to look at nasty crack whores with boobs that would be useful in the event she needed them to prevent herself from drowning, to have a little sexual fun (that's what a membership to Costco is for to buy batteries in bulk =P ). Which is a whole other topic of why men are so proud about masturbation and women hide their compliant and mute boyfriends in the bottom of the knicker drawer...but I digress.

By now most of you who know me are going where the (expletive deleted) did this post come be honest I don't know...ROFL. But then anyone who really knows me knows what a big mouth I really have and that my inner monologue tends to spill out of my mouth, aloud...a lot. I just found the topic came up in the meeting last night and thought it was funny. While most of my friends and I end up talking a lot about sex its never raunchy, explicit or tell all. I think it is rather sad in the end that most women cannot talk as openly, frankly or freely about the subject in public or with the one man in our life that means the most. If you can that great but I know a lot of women who can't, and why I guess we like to get together and giggle about it with each other.

I know I'm going to miss the weekly giggle sessions when I have to move in a few weeks. I hope I can find a group of women to hang out with as nice, funny and cool as the ladies I hang out with every Tuesday here. Especially ones who like to stitch, bitch and talk about sex, sex, sex...../cry I will miss you guys =(.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Meines kuschelt kleines Häschen

I can't help it, he is so damn cute! His hair is starting to grow back from his Lion Cut and I don't know what I will do to keep it short from now on. I'm thinking of going to the store and buying some pet clippers....oh yeah....if he didn't like me running after him to clean his bum bum with a wet washcloth when it was a matted mess of cat poo I'm sure he is just going to love mommy trying to clip the hair around his bum bum with a pair of electric clippers...not (considering last time my mother tried to clip him with an electric shaver and accidentally got way too near his manhood....ROFL the look he gave her was pure murder...seems boys of all species are rather attached to their penises....). It's either that or have to pay$70 every two months to keep his hair short at the groomers.../sigh. If he would just learn to clean his private area on his own and keep me from having to call him "Smelly Cat" I would not have run after him like a two year old in potty training. But I love the little Goober so oh well....

WANTED! This is a Public Service Announcement....

(Picture above: Squiddy "The Klepto," suspect is eyeing and sizing up her chances of stealing yarn she knows is hidden within the owners yarn tote.)

This is a Public Service Announcement.....The picture of the above cat is a notorious yarn thief. Under no circumstances should you leave yarn or any yarn project out in her presence. She will steal yarn and project brazenly out in the open to chew, drag across the house and kneed as her personal binky. Be warned that any project under construction will be frogged (note frogging is a crochet term for ripping out what you don't like or getting rid of mistakes or in this case a free for all at ripping out every stitch in the project in an attempt to get away with they yarn to slobber all over it and make me mad....)immediately upon kidnapping as her usual MO consists of wrapping the project around a table leg to secure the yarn and make a dash across the length of the house as she proceeds into a running frog fest of kitty delight. Suspect has a keen awareness for containers (like the above rolling bag) you may think of thwarting her attempts at kleptomania. Be warned she is adept and patient in pawing through tiny openings and will pace around any object in an OCD like manner she suspects holds kitty fiber pleasure. Suspect, will like any junky, will become violent if you attempt to confiscate from her the object of her desire and addiction.

Suspect answers to the name of Squiddy, be warned she has potentially violent psychotic episodes and may chase you hissing, if you a. don't give her your yarn, b. scold her for attempted robbery, c. confiscate what she has stolen.

Serephina Shawl

This is my first ever finished project following a pattern! I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself despite the fact I was completely clueless for most of the project, bugged the (expletive deleted) out of the poor women at my crochet group to help me with it (you all have the patience of saints and I could not have done it with out all your wonderful help) and cussed at times like a sailor when I thought I would never get the hang of it. I'm not exactly sure if it 100% of the time followed the pattern but if not I was consistent in messing up, and there are no glaring mistakes or holes in the wrong place so I'm happy and don't really care if it has turned out beautiful in my opinion and can't wait to wear it this fall/winter. I crocheted this with Lion Brand Homespun in Quartz, three skeins worth. I was not to amused with Lion Brand because the first two skeins I bought of the Quartz were the same color and then I bought another skein two weeks later and the purple of the first two was now bluish in the third....oh well still looks good but not really amused with the sudden color change. I have been buying a lot of Lion Brand lately don't know why....the Homespun was a bit hard to get used to in the beginning as it would get caught but it was not that bad and I will use it again. The pattern called for an I hook but this was way too small and ended up with using a k hook to get the right gauge and feel for the weight of the yarn and look of the shawl.

Granny Square Baby Blanket

This is a Granny square blanket I finished last week for a lady I work for. She found out she is having a little boy so I thought this would be cute and quick. The blanket was crocheted in Lion Brand Jiffy in White, Pastel Yellow and Baby Blue. Don't remember how many skeins I used...oh

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Very Miffed

Well after all the trouble myself, my mother and other members of the staff, at the school were I work, went threw to get the dress all pretty for the little girl in my class for her graduation, she didn't come. I was very disappointed to say the least. Her family didn't take her to her own graduation...I know it was the thought that mattered but still really hurts when you go through with all the trouble to help people and then nothing. I have no idea what goes in her family dynamic but just sucks when you try so hard to help others and it does not make a damn bit of difference at all. It would have meant the world to her self esteem to come to the graduation all pretty like all the rest of the girls in school. Oh well....just makes me really angry when others don't care as much as you do or think things are as important.