So.....do you want to come have a drink with me?

I have been sitting here for the last hour trying to figure out why I have been crying. Is it A.) The fact some guy here in town for a convention sent me a blind tell on Yahoo IM asking me out on a date after about 30 second talking to me, that he wanted to meet me at the Coyote Ugly bar at New York New York for what I assume was some drinking and free sex on his night away from what ever boring town and clueless wife he left back in another state. B.) The fact that he is the only man to ask me out in the three years since I left my ex (trust me the reasons would take a PHD dissertation to explain his loony ass). C.) That no guy has even looked at me in three years. D.) That I’m so freaking lonely that I actually thought for a second about answering “yes” and spending time with some man who really didn’t like me or know me, even though I would have said “hell no” if asked to go back to his hotel room.

My friends who read this will understand what a horrible mess my life has been for the past six years, and what my soon to be ex husband did to me. To be honest I have never told anyone all of what he did to me and never will because talking about it would mean I would have to think about it and I don’t want to relive those moments ever again for as long as I live. Despite all the crap he did and for all my joking at men bashing I can’t bring myself to really hate men. Trust me my ex really tried hard to do it but, NO, I really don't. Sure there have been times in the recent past that all I felt was pure disgust at being near a man, but that has not happened, thankfully, in a really long time. I know that not all men are like my ex, just seems like it. I do know there are funny and nice guys out there, I just don’t seem to live by them =(.

This past hour as my eyes got all red and puffy I kept thinking about this elderly man who came through my line at the bookstore one day. I was ringing up his books and noticed he had on one of those WWII hats that a lot of old Vets wear from the groups they belong to that help them stay in touch with old war friends. We got to talking about it when he said, “Oh I met my beautiful wife in the War, she was a nurse you see and I had been wounded. I was at the hospital and she walked up to my bed, she was and still is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life.” At this point his wife came walking up, both were pushing 80 years old or more, and he goes on saying as he picked up his wife’s hand and kissed it, “I fell madly in love with her the second I saw her, never have ever looked at another woman again, I was only 19 or so at the time and we were married only a few weeks later, and this is her,” he kissed her hand again, “my lovely bride.” The way he touched her hand, the way he looked at her and spoke to her, you could tell he was not lying, he loved her with his whole heart, loved her this way for the past 50+ years. I was blown away that he would talk like this about her to a perfect stranger, that he would tell the world how much he loved her, that he would treat her with such obvious respect, kindness and love. When he left I told my manger I needed a bathroom break and went in the bathroom stall and cried a few minutes, don't think I have to tell you why.

I know how Cinderella lame it sounds but just don’t know why I can’t have that. Don’t understand why a nice guy can’t even tell I’m even breathing. Why am I a jerk magnet when and if a guy even looks at me or then thinks it’s ok to treat me like a whore because so many other women don’t have any self pride that they will sleep with any guy who buys them a drink and paid attention to them? My ex used to call me frigid all the time because I would not act like some stupid nympho bimbo from the T.V. show, “The Girls Next Door.” He never once understood that the only thing a woman really wants is to be respected. Because that is the true definition of love. Love = only three things: Respect, Trust and Empathy. If you don't have all three then what do you have...nothing. All love is based in these three things, from your friendships, your family or the only other person in your life you want to have corn flakes and leftovers with for the rest of your life.

I want so badly to leave this place, despite having a lot of really good friends, I want to go someplace where women are not treated like pieces of meat! Everywhere you go in this damn town women’s asses are hanging off billboards, on the backs of taxi cabs, the strip is littered with ad’s for hookers and the telephone book has like a three inch section for “escorts” which is a PC word for whore. The whole town motto is "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." You know I like sex just as much as everyone else in the world but that guy on IM made me feel so worthless and dirty. I know people can't make you feel anything, either you let them get to you and let them make you feel like that or you don't, but...I'm so tired of empty men.